Finding Friendship

In my last post I shared how important it is to be friends with your spouse and how this can be a great defense against the struggles and frustrations that are inevitable in marriage. So what happens when that friendship seems to be gone? Is that it for your marriage?

Marriage expert John Gottman doesn't believe so. He states,

"If a couple still has a functioning fondness and admiration system, then their marriage is salvageable. I'm not suggesting that the road to reviving a marriage...is easy. But it can be done... Fondness and admiration are two of the most critical elements in a rewarding and long lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a marriage, the relationship cannot be revived." (p.63)

Gottman believes that fondness and admiration are so crucial that as long as you feel that your spouse is worthy of respect and love, there is a path to take to salvage your marriage. It probably won't be easy, but it can be done.

So what happens when you find that you no longer like the person you are married to? You still love them but can't seem to find a way to make your lives work. Fighting and conflict seems to occur over the smallest incidences. Gottman shares that reviving these feelings of friendship is not complicated, it just takes action (p. 67). In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work there are a few exercises for helping to reignite these feelings for your spouse.

Most of these activities have the end goal of simply reminding you of the positive aspects of your spouse. There are some ways to change your thinking  that can help to remind you of these positives.  One activity that will help to immediately focus you on positive thoughts is to make a list of the things that you appreciate about and qualities that you admire in your spouse and to refer or add to it as negative thoughts creep back in. As Gottman mentions, stating specific instances makes this activity more powerful and effective.

Another activity that may help is to reflect, hopefully together, about the happy times in your relationship. Spend some time talking about happy memories from when you were dating, your wedding and honeymoon, and that time that Uncle Jim fell in the fountain and you choked on your water from laughing to hard. Talk about your philosophies of marriage. Don't make this activity a competition or a chance to correct your spouse's recollection of events. Enjoy this time and seek to understand what your spouse enjoys remembering and to enjoy your time together.

These types of activities seem like common sense but they can be hard to think of when you are in the trenches of a declining marriage. Changing how you think of your spouse, i.e. seeing the pleasant conversationalist v.s. the habitual late worker, will change the tone of your marriage. It will make a difference in your everyday interactions. It can change the course of your marriage. The activities are not all that you will need to make these changes but they will give you a starting point from which you can work.

These activities will also give you tools to strengthen your marriage in the future. They can provide you a way to keep that positive thinking that is necessary for friendship, and marriage, alive. Think of them as taking your car in to get the oil changed. Your car won't break down right away if it's not done on time but it will run smoother if you are punctual with that maintenance. Don't just use these tools once and forget about them.

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., 1999. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books: New York.

Friendship First

The biggest question that most of us have as we approach a marriage is probably about whether or not that marriage will work out. We will find ourselves divorced in a few years, having to start all over? Then, of course, everybody has that "how to stay married" advice for you. There is even a game for that at bridal showers!

Some people are of the school of thought that communication is the key to success. Others feel that quality time together works best. Others find that keeping things interesting is the only way to keep things strong. While I feel that there is some merit to each of these thoughts, I don't think that any one of them is right on its own. I believe that you need to marry your best friend.

How much easier would your marriage be if you felt as close to your spouse as you do to your best friend? Do you feel that you can talk to your spouse as you do the person that you are the closest to outside of your marriage? When something happens in your life, who do you want to tell? Is it your spouse?

I believe that friendship is the most important aspect of your relationship with your spouse. Romantic feelings may come and go. Unquenchable desire for your spouse will probably fade. Some days your Love may just be boring. Sure, the feelings of attraction, excitement and romance are important but what is going to sustain your relationship when they are missing? Do you have a solid friendship to fall back on?

This view of marriage is supported by one of the leading marriage experts, John Gottman. He writes in his book, "friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse... It takes much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise." Does this mean that friends will never fight? NO! It does mean however that you "...know each other intimately-[you] are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. [You] have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness in the big way but in the little ways day in and day out" (Gottman). Because your relationship is based on a deep knowledge of your spouse. You know and love them as a person, even with the faults that drive you absolutely crazy. True friendship helps fight the common problems in marriage.

Basically, I believe that you should marry your best friend. Not that your spouse should become your best friend after you are married. Base your relationship on getting to know who that person really is. Let them know who you really are. Share in emotional disclosure.  Enjoy your time together and enjoy each other for who each of you are. That kind of love creates a lasting marriage.

Defending Marriage

One of my earliest memories of the gay marriage debate came from the 2008 elections. I was a high school senior in California and our school was having a mock election. A friend of mine was giving a speech in the mock election from the support of Proposition 8 side and asked if I, along with one other person of his choosing, would hold a Prop 8 banner during his speech.

I was not one of the popular kids in school. I tended to hang out with some of the more outcast groups. Many of my friends were not straight, be it gay, lesbian, or bisexual. I honestly had no opinion on gay marriage. These people were my friends and I loved them but being the short-sided teenager that I was, I had not given too much thought to their future. (To be fair, I hadn’t given to much thought to my future either.)

I decided to help my friend out and hold this sign for him even though I did not feel strongly either way about the cause. He was my friend and had asked for my help. I was met, after that assembly, with much hate and disgust from those that, prior to that assembly, had counted me among some of their closest friends. They never asked why I stood with that sign. They assumed the worst of me, imagining my hatred of them and the things that they believed. I won’t ever forget that reaction.

Since then, I have come to find my stand on this debate and given the chance to stand with that banner again, I would. This time however, I would do it with the same love that I had for my friends that day but also with an understanding of why that proposition is important.

I have come to learn that marriage is the foundation of our society. It has been for as long as we have existed. The purpose of marriage has always been to better individuals and society and to produce children in an environment that best meets their developmental needs. It has not, and should not, be merely a contract between two individuals but should be a contract between a couple and society. It has not, and should not be a selfish contract but should be focused on fulfilling the purpose for which it has always existed.  That is what those that support homosexual marriage are really supporting, the marriage contract between two people with a sole focus on pleasure. This is not to say that marriage should not be fulfilling. This is not to say that marriage should not be pleasurable. These are however a means to an end as opposed to an end in and of itself.

Marriage has existed for as long as it has because it has benefited society. It could not have lasted as long if it did not. As such a beneficial aspect of our society, it should be supported. Redefining marriage to include non-heterosexual marriages will undermine this support, not increase it. World-wide, countries that have granted marriage to homosexual relationships have shown a low level of support for marriage. It is the countries that oppose the push to redefine marriage or include marriage-like unions for homosexual relationships that have the greatest support for marriage (Wardel, 2007). We need marriage and cannot let it go without the support it needs to remain strong.

This particular subject is always hard for me to talk about. It seems impossible to convey my love for those, who like my friends in high school, choose to live a different lifestyle than I do and a lifestyle that I do not agree with while discussing my reasons for my stand on marriage that is in direct conflict with theirs. I do not wish you to be unhappy. I do not wish for you to suffer. Yet, I do not believe that what you ask for, the redefinition of marriage, is an appropriate course of action. I do not believe that its effects will benefit society as a whole.

Wardel, L.D. (2007). The attack on marriage and the union of a man and a woman. North Dakota Law Review. 83, 1365-1392.

Why Marriage?

I believe that some the hardest decisions in our life revolve around our intimate relationships with others, especially with regards to marriage. There is so much that goes into a marriage and so much at stake if it were to fail that it often seems safer to just try something else. When we do this, though, we harm our chances for happiness as well as our children's chances for the same. Marriage gives our children the best chance to be happy and successful in life. Marriage also gives us access to some of the greatest happiness that we can have on this earth.

I say that these decisions are hard from first-hand experience. I married young, at 19. I had children young, at 20 and again at 22. My husband died a couple months before I turned 24. Now I face the reality of single parenthood and a life of struggling to finish school and find suitable work while raising my children.

The topic of remarriage is being brought up more and more frequently by those around me. It is not a choice that comes easily. My circumstances are complex for any future husband. The risks are greater if my remarriage fails because of my children. With all that I have to consider, I have found the advice from President Spencer W. Kimball to be particularly helpful: "Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage... means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens;but it also means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all" (Teachings).

These challenges are not the same for each of us. They may not even be the same for each person in the relationship. For me, that means giving up some of the control of my life. (I am definitely type A and Being in charge is natural for me.) It also means finding a relationship that will work out with my children. It will mean sacrificing things that I want so that we can have another person in our family, maybe even more than one person. It means letting go of my past relationship so that I can move forward with my life. It means working things out when I would rather walk away. It means not being able to walk away.

It also means having someone to lean on when I can’t go any farther on my own. It means sharing my joys with someone that respects me and loves me despite my faults. It means sharing the greatest losses in your life with someone who will hold you through all of it and pull you back up at the end. Having had these, as President Kimball called them, “deepest and sweetest emotions of all” in my life before, I know how right they are in our lives. They are supposed to be part of our lives. I know that they are worth the risks associated with the possible failure. That’s why people that have been divorced try again.

One of the thought that has been on my mind the most as I have contemplated remarriage is that as we love the Lord and exercise faith in the Atonement, our lives will work out for our benefit. Marriage isn’t meant to be easy. It’s meant to help us grow. Fear of failure is normal but not helpful. It stops our progress. It keeps us from reaching our goals. I have been working on replacing my fears associated with remarriage with faith in the Lord, for I know that through him I can do all things. With Him, we can make our marriages last. We can help them to survive all of the hardships that come to us.

Let’s overcome our fear of failure and reach for our goals of a happy marriage and family. Don’t let fear of failure keep you from trying. We will fail at everything that we never try. 

               

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball (2006), 194.