Friendship First

The biggest question that most of us have as we approach a marriage is probably about whether or not that marriage will work out. We will find ourselves divorced in a few years, having to start all over? Then, of course, everybody has that "how to stay married" advice for you. There is even a game for that at bridal showers!

Some people are of the school of thought that communication is the key to success. Others feel that quality time together works best. Others find that keeping things interesting is the only way to keep things strong. While I feel that there is some merit to each of these thoughts, I don't think that any one of them is right on its own. I believe that you need to marry your best friend.

How much easier would your marriage be if you felt as close to your spouse as you do to your best friend? Do you feel that you can talk to your spouse as you do the person that you are the closest to outside of your marriage? When something happens in your life, who do you want to tell? Is it your spouse?

I believe that friendship is the most important aspect of your relationship with your spouse. Romantic feelings may come and go. Unquenchable desire for your spouse will probably fade. Some days your Love may just be boring. Sure, the feelings of attraction, excitement and romance are important but what is going to sustain your relationship when they are missing? Do you have a solid friendship to fall back on?

This view of marriage is supported by one of the leading marriage experts, John Gottman. He writes in his book, "friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse... It takes much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise." Does this mean that friends will never fight? NO! It does mean however that you "...know each other intimately-[you] are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. [You] have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness in the big way but in the little ways day in and day out" (Gottman). Because your relationship is based on a deep knowledge of your spouse. You know and love them as a person, even with the faults that drive you absolutely crazy. True friendship helps fight the common problems in marriage.

Basically, I believe that you should marry your best friend. Not that your spouse should become your best friend after you are married. Base your relationship on getting to know who that person really is. Let them know who you really are. Share in emotional disclosure.  Enjoy your time together and enjoy each other for who each of you are. That kind of love creates a lasting marriage.