Couple Identity

Relationships with in-laws can be challenging, especially when it comes to long-held family traditions. Couples face the decisions of where to spend holidays, what traditions of their own they should start and many others. What is important to remember in these situations is that each couple needs to develop their own identity. A new marriage is a system of its own, separate from that of either family of origin. New marriages survive best when all parties involved can see this. 

In Genesis 2:24 we read that a man is to leave his family and “cleave unto his wife.” This goes for women as well. In a marriage, each person should put the welfare of their spouse ahead of all others and the welfare of their family of creation ahead of their families of origin. This is often hard as relationships that have been forged before marriage that are hard to change. Luckily, putting your spouse first does not mean abandoning your family of origin.

An example of this is seen in family traditions. Growing up there was little breaking up of my parent’s family’s holiday traditions. Christmas was especially challenging. We would rush between houses of both grandparents multiple times each day, trying to make everyone happy. There was little in the way of our own traditions for those days. As I got married, my husband and I were faced with the decision of where to spend Christmas. We decided that our own traditions were important and that we couldn’t please everyone. In the end we had to make sure that our family was taken care of. Like many couples, we decided to split holidays between families and save time for our family to have time together as well.

This worked well for us because our respective families responded well to this decision. They understood that the other spouse’s family is important as well. There was never pressure or guilt for us to be somewhere once we made a decision to be elsewhere. Other couples are not as lucky as we were. Many parent-in-laws had such strong relationships with their children that seeing anyone else get in the way of it, even the spouse or their parents, is too much for them. In these cases it is important that couples discuss these relationships together and make sure that they are in agreement on what should happen. Dealing with the complicated relationships that can come with a new marriage is easier if spouses can rely on each other for support.

Infidelity

One of the most damaging single events in a marriage is infidelity. This is because it breaks the foundation of a marriage. Unfortunately it is not as hard to fall into the grasp of infidelity as it may seem.

Many believe that they are only unfaithful if they have sex with someone else. However, there are many other actions that can have just as detrimental an effect on a marriage as a sexual affair.  Emotional infidelity and pornography are some of the other most damaging means of infidelity. While I have never been on the receiving end of a spouse’s infidelity, I have seen infidelity ruin a very dear friend’s marriage.

Basically infidelity can be summed up as any time you let your focus shift from your spouse to another person. I don’t just mean this in a sexual way either. Infidelity falls into four different categories: fantasy (characterized by having an emotional affair with someone who is unaware of the affair or with whom the affair is anonymous), romantic (emotional involvement with a person other that the spouse), visual (pornography), and sexual (sex without emotional attachment) (Gardner and Greiner, 2012). Notice that only one of these categories involves sex with someone other than the spouse yet all are equally damaging to a marriage.

Wallace Goddard, professor and Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas describes the way that emotional infidelity typically progresses. This type of infidelity usually stems from a “harmless” relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Eventually a strong relationship grows that claims a part of your heart that should belong to your spouse. Excuses are made to see this friend because the relationship is “special”. This displaces the spouse and the marriage starts to degrade. If action is not taken to stop the chain of events, this process will ultimately result in a romantic affair culminating in sexual relations. (Goddard, 2009).

Pornography was the downfall of my friend’s marriage. He didn’t use because he didn’t love his wife. He didn’t use because he was looking for something more exciting. For him it was an escape from the abundant challenges of his life. Nevertheless, his marriage suffered. He sought “help” and comfort from porn instead of his wife. He let part of his heart turn to somewhere else than to his wife. This is infidelity just as “cheating” on her would have been.

If you find yourself seeking someone else when you should be seeking your spouse, turn back. If you find yourself negatively comparing your spouse to someone else, stop it. If you find your spouse’s place is being taken up by someone else, you’re in trouble.

Obviously the best way to deal with infidelity is to stop it from happening.  Set boundaries.  Leave doors open to your spouse and walls between your marriage and the world. Be fiercely loyal; determine that nothing will come between the two of you and make it happen. Control your thoughts; they are yours so take responsibility for them.  Make your spouse a priority.

If infidelity does occur, it will be damaging, maybe irreparably so.  It may be possible to work through the problems and save your marriage but it will take time and it will take effort. It will hurt.

Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner (2012) outline five steps to keeping your marriage together after infidelity. First, you must rebuild your trust; this will involve taking accountability for actions and setting boundaries. Next, both parties must gain perspective of the infidelity, involving understanding why and how it came to happen and that one person is not responsible for the actions of another. Then repentance and forgiveness must occur. Next, the addiction must be overcome; the marriage may not last if the infidelity occurs again in the future. Finally, the decision must be made to stay together.

It won’t be easy but it can be done! Your marriage is worth it.

Infidelity can creep in even in good marriages. Don’t stop and think that your marriage is immune. You must work to keep outside influences where they belong, outside.

Gardner, S., Greiner, C. (2012). Honoring marital vows with complete fidelity . In A.J. Hawkins, D.C. Dollahite, T.W. Draper (Ed.) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation based principles and research perspectives. (pp. 59-69). Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University.

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. pp. 86-98 Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing.