Couple Identity

Relationships with in-laws can be challenging, especially when it comes to long-held family traditions. Couples face the decisions of where to spend holidays, what traditions of their own they should start and many others. What is important to remember in these situations is that each couple needs to develop their own identity. A new marriage is a system of its own, separate from that of either family of origin. New marriages survive best when all parties involved can see this. 

In Genesis 2:24 we read that a man is to leave his family and “cleave unto his wife.” This goes for women as well. In a marriage, each person should put the welfare of their spouse ahead of all others and the welfare of their family of creation ahead of their families of origin. This is often hard as relationships that have been forged before marriage that are hard to change. Luckily, putting your spouse first does not mean abandoning your family of origin.

An example of this is seen in family traditions. Growing up there was little breaking up of my parent’s family’s holiday traditions. Christmas was especially challenging. We would rush between houses of both grandparents multiple times each day, trying to make everyone happy. There was little in the way of our own traditions for those days. As I got married, my husband and I were faced with the decision of where to spend Christmas. We decided that our own traditions were important and that we couldn’t please everyone. In the end we had to make sure that our family was taken care of. Like many couples, we decided to split holidays between families and save time for our family to have time together as well.

This worked well for us because our respective families responded well to this decision. They understood that the other spouse’s family is important as well. There was never pressure or guilt for us to be somewhere once we made a decision to be elsewhere. Other couples are not as lucky as we were. Many parent-in-laws had such strong relationships with their children that seeing anyone else get in the way of it, even the spouse or their parents, is too much for them. In these cases it is important that couples discuss these relationships together and make sure that they are in agreement on what should happen. Dealing with the complicated relationships that can come with a new marriage is easier if spouses can rely on each other for support.