In my last post I shared how important it is to be friends with your spouse and how this can be a great defense against the struggles and frustrations that are inevitable in marriage. So what happens when that friendship seems to be gone? Is that it for your marriage?
Marriage expert John Gottman doesn't believe so. He states,
"If a couple still has a functioning fondness and admiration system, then their marriage is salvageable. I'm not suggesting that the road to reviving a marriage...is easy. But it can be done... Fondness and admiration are two of the most critical elements in a rewarding and long lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a marriage, the relationship cannot be revived." (p.63)
Gottman believes that fondness and admiration are so crucial that as long as you feel that your spouse is worthy of respect and love, there is a path to take to salvage your marriage. It probably won't be easy, but it can be done.
So what happens when you find that you no longer like the person you are married to? You still love them but can't seem to find a way to make your lives work. Fighting and conflict seems to occur over the smallest incidences. Gottman shares that reviving these feelings of friendship is not complicated, it just takes action (p. 67). In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work there are a few exercises for helping to reignite these feelings for your spouse.
Most of these activities have the end goal of simply reminding you of the positive aspects of your spouse. There are some ways to change your thinking that can help to remind you of these positives. One activity that will help to immediately focus you on positive thoughts is to make a list of the things that you appreciate about and qualities that you admire in your spouse and to refer or add to it as negative thoughts creep back in. As Gottman mentions, stating specific instances makes this activity more powerful and effective.
Another activity that may help is to reflect, hopefully together, about the happy times in your relationship. Spend some time talking about happy memories from when you were dating, your wedding and honeymoon, and that time that Uncle Jim fell in the fountain and you choked on your water from laughing to hard. Talk about your philosophies of marriage. Don't make this activity a competition or a chance to correct your spouse's recollection of events. Enjoy this time and seek to understand what your spouse enjoys remembering and to enjoy your time together.
These types of activities seem like common sense but they can be hard to think of when you are in the trenches of a declining marriage. Changing how you think of your spouse, i.e. seeing the pleasant conversationalist v.s. the habitual late worker, will change the tone of your marriage. It will make a difference in your everyday interactions. It can change the course of your marriage. The activities are not all that you will need to make these changes but they will give you a starting point from which you can work.
These activities will also give you tools to strengthen your marriage in the future. They can provide you a way to keep that positive thinking that is necessary for friendship, and marriage, alive. Think of them as taking your car in to get the oil changed. Your car won't break down right away if it's not done on time but it will run smoother if you are punctual with that maintenance. Don't just use these tools once and forget about them.
Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., 1999. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books: New York.
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