Keep Going

The hardest part of any task is to keep doing it. The same goes for those things that are needed to make your marriage successful. Any tip or practice that you employ to keep your marriage moving in the direction of happiness is something that you will have to keep doing, even when it’s not easy. The principles that I have talked about and will continue to talk about are not hard to do, but you have to keep doing them.

After starting these practices and keeping with them for a while, they will begin to be second nature to you. You want have to think about them as much. Keeping your marriage healthy doesn’t have to take all of your time, but it should be a priority. It takes as little as five hours extra a week.

That’s less than 45 minutes a day.

That’s finding out about a specific event in your spouse’s day before and after it. That’s talking to him about his life at dinner and holding her on the couch while she unwinds before bed. That’s kissing her when she leaves and telling him that you appreciate the way that he works so hard. It’s spent honestly trying to see his side of a conflict instead of focusing on how you are being hurt.

Forty five minutes is not a big time commitment but it makes a big difference. Making your marriage, and your life together, a priority is not the same as making it a goal. You accomplish goals, but your work on your marriage is never done. As often as things tear it down, you will have to build it back up.

It can be easy to turn toward your spouse when things are going great. It will be harder when you are tired, upset, or sad. It will be harder when things in life, not just your marriage, become complicated and overwhelming. It will be harder when you just want to walk away.

Keep at it.

Keep keeping at it.

Don’t ever give up. Your marriage is worth it.

Conflict in Marriage

If you believe that a happy marriage is conflict free, you have another thing coming. As imperfect beings, nothing is ever conflict free. It’s not if but when you will disagree with your spouse. People can remain happily married for twenty, thirty, or even fifty years or more not because their marriages are without conflict but because they have learned how to deal with the conflicts in their lives. In his extensive research of married couples, John Gottman has learned that there are two kinds of conflicts in marriage and five steps to successfully work through them.

There are two types of conflict that occur in every marriage: perpetual and solvable conflicts. Gottman found that most conflict, 69% to be exact, falls into the first category, perpetual. These are the arguments that often occur over and over again. These are the arguments that are not really about whatever you are arguing about. These conflicts are often filled with emotions and flooding is common.

For my late husband and I, this was our fight about how much time he spent on the computer. He would spend hours on the computer at a time. I would fight with him about his time on the computer and he would brush me off. For us, this fight was not really about computer time. I felt like he was ignoring me and didn’t care about me or us. He was an introvert and saw his time on the computer as much deserved leisure time. Our fight happened over and over and eventually became about more than computer time; it became about emotions, feelings, and love. This is a perpetual fight.

For perpetual conflicts, the only way to work through them is to accept them. Learn that the behavior is part of who your spouse is. Gottman quotes Psychologist Dan Wile in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work saying, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you will be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” If the root of our perpetual conflict is unchangeable personality flaws, then the solution should be loving acceptance of who our spouse is.

If we are not careful, our perpetual problems can work into gridlock, fighting that occurs over and over again where nothing is solved and both parties leave the argument more hurt than they entered it. This sort of perpetual problem can kill a marriage. Gottman suggests that if you find yourself in this sort of argument to remember that you can still work your way out of it. Gridlocked problems are a sign of differing basic beliefs. To figure out how to cope with the problem, these basic beliefs and dreams must be addressed and understood.

The second type of conflict that Gottman has found in marriage is the solvable conflict. The good news about these arguments is that there is something that you can do about them! Hey do not have to stick around forever. (In fact letting them stick around may give them the power to turn into perpetual conflicts.)

To illustrate this type of conflict I will discuss an argument that my sister and I had recently. I was visiting my parents, who live close to my sister. While I was visiting, my sister and I wanted to go and do something together. Whenever she called me to set something up, my dad had already made plans. She felt that I was trying to avoid her and responded by getting angry at me. I in return got angry at her for blaming me for things beyond my control. For us, this was a solvable problem. We solved out problem and came to a solution using Gottman’s five steps for resolving conflict.

If you go to a marriage counselor, chances are you will be told that to solve your problems you need to use more active listening with your spouse. Active listening, hearing what your spouse is saying and repeating it back to them in different words, is a great tactic and will definitely help to solve your problems but is difficult to use in practice, especially in high emotion situations. By watching couples that successfully remain married for the long-term and handle conflict well, Gottman was able to find five steps that these couples use to work through their conflicts. These five steps are:

1.       Soften your startup. This refers to the manner in which the conflict causing topic is brought up. The main characteristic of a soft startup is that it is devoid of criticism and contempt. This means saying something like “I was really hurt when you walked past the overflowing trash last night” instead of “You never help me with the housework anymore. I don’t know why I even think you will!” To execute a soft startup try some of the following techniques:

·         Complain but don’t blame.

·         Make statements that start with “I” instead of you.

·         Describe what is happening

·         Be clear

·         Be polite

·         Be appreciative

·         Don’t Store things up.

Gottman says that a conversation tends to end on in the tone that it began. Stating your conversation softly will give you a greater chance of making progress with your problem.

2.       Learn to make and receive repair attempts. These are equivalent to putting the brakes on during the argument. A repair attempt stops the conversation from continuing on in the current unhelpful direction. This can be done by acknowledging you spouse’s feelings and contributions, apologizing, using humor or even saying “let’s take a break and come back to this once we have cooled down.”

3.       Soothe yourself and each other. Flooding is the most unhelpful response to conflict resolution. If either you or your spouse becomes flooded, your emotions will get in the way of effective communication and repair attempts. To successfully work through a conflict both parties must remain calm.

4.       Compromise. The only way to successfully end a marital conflict is with compromise. There will often not be a winner or a loser. Constantly having a winner and loser would create too much inequality in a marriage. Both of you must remain open minded and remember that you each have opinions of value. Both of you are in charge of where your marriage is heading. Put effort into compromising.

5.       Be tolerant of each other’s faults. No one is perfect. No one ever will be. These are facts of life. It is unreasonable for us to expect such from our spouse. If we love our spouse it will be required of us to accept some of the things that we find annoying. Accepting these things will free up time previously given to endless, fruitless conflict.

Using these steps will help spouses to find productive ways to work through their conflicts. These steps are not hard and they don’t require much “training”, just effort. Dealing with the conflicts in your marriage is the only way to make it a happy marriage. The conflicts will never be gone from your marriage, but together you can work through them to build a stronger relationship

Share Your Life

Friendships are based on mutual interests. Marriages are no different. To keep the friendship in your marriage strong each spouse must turn toward the other and open up their life so that the two lives can become one shared life. We must put our spouse first, before our job, before our friends, before our children, even if it is just listening to what great thing happened to them in line at the grocery store or what horrible thing their boss said to them, or helping them with the dishes or kids. We must live our lives together, instead of just as roommates who have sex. If you have made a habit of living your life separately from your spouse, this may not be an easy task. 

Making our lives one is not a one-time task.  This will be something that we will work our whole lives to do. As our lives change and our marriage changes, we must constantly work to keep the two moving in the same direction. 

Marriage expert John Gottman gives some advice on how we can do this. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he describes some activities that can help us to move our lives and our marriages in the same direction. One of these is to be aware of what he calls our spouse’s emotional bank account. Basically this means to record, but not for the sake of competition, the ways in which you show your spouse that you care and the ways in which you act contrary to that love. So washing your wife’s car would be a deposit into her emotional bank account while nagging your husband to take the trash out for the fifth time would probably be a withdrawal from his emotional bank account. This activity is a good place to start to look at where your relationship currently stands. It is a great way to see where you need to improve and whether you are making a net positive contribution to your marriage or not.  

As a side note, if you are having trouble showing your love in a way that your spouse is responsive to I suggest doing some reading on their love language. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great resource for this. I know that the principles outlined in his book really helped me to see how to show love for my husband in a way that meant the most to him. Plus, these principles are applicable to any close relationship that you may have, be it with parents, children, siblings, friends or other family members. 

Gottman also suggests starting and maintaining jointly meaningful rituals. These activities bring a sense of shared meaning to a family. Don’t know what your rituals should be? Simply talk about it. What is important to you? What is something that you like doing together? How should special occasions such as holidays and birthdays be celebrated? Sit down and talk about these things. Find out what your spouse values and tell your spouse what you value. A shared life means honoring the things that each other value. Find meaningful ways to execute these rituals, even if it’s just dinner together every night. Remember that this is a joint effort.

These two items are by no means that you can really share a life with your spouse. They are a start though. Share your dreams, goals and beliefs. Share your time. Most importantly share yourself. And don’t give up. This will not be a short term task. Keep with it.

 

Finding Friendship

In my last post I shared how important it is to be friends with your spouse and how this can be a great defense against the struggles and frustrations that are inevitable in marriage. So what happens when that friendship seems to be gone? Is that it for your marriage?

Marriage expert John Gottman doesn't believe so. He states,

"If a couple still has a functioning fondness and admiration system, then their marriage is salvageable. I'm not suggesting that the road to reviving a marriage...is easy. But it can be done... Fondness and admiration are two of the most critical elements in a rewarding and long lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a marriage, the relationship cannot be revived." (p.63)

Gottman believes that fondness and admiration are so crucial that as long as you feel that your spouse is worthy of respect and love, there is a path to take to salvage your marriage. It probably won't be easy, but it can be done.

So what happens when you find that you no longer like the person you are married to? You still love them but can't seem to find a way to make your lives work. Fighting and conflict seems to occur over the smallest incidences. Gottman shares that reviving these feelings of friendship is not complicated, it just takes action (p. 67). In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work there are a few exercises for helping to reignite these feelings for your spouse.

Most of these activities have the end goal of simply reminding you of the positive aspects of your spouse. There are some ways to change your thinking  that can help to remind you of these positives.  One activity that will help to immediately focus you on positive thoughts is to make a list of the things that you appreciate about and qualities that you admire in your spouse and to refer or add to it as negative thoughts creep back in. As Gottman mentions, stating specific instances makes this activity more powerful and effective.

Another activity that may help is to reflect, hopefully together, about the happy times in your relationship. Spend some time talking about happy memories from when you were dating, your wedding and honeymoon, and that time that Uncle Jim fell in the fountain and you choked on your water from laughing to hard. Talk about your philosophies of marriage. Don't make this activity a competition or a chance to correct your spouse's recollection of events. Enjoy this time and seek to understand what your spouse enjoys remembering and to enjoy your time together.

These types of activities seem like common sense but they can be hard to think of when you are in the trenches of a declining marriage. Changing how you think of your spouse, i.e. seeing the pleasant conversationalist v.s. the habitual late worker, will change the tone of your marriage. It will make a difference in your everyday interactions. It can change the course of your marriage. The activities are not all that you will need to make these changes but they will give you a starting point from which you can work.

These activities will also give you tools to strengthen your marriage in the future. They can provide you a way to keep that positive thinking that is necessary for friendship, and marriage, alive. Think of them as taking your car in to get the oil changed. Your car won't break down right away if it's not done on time but it will run smoother if you are punctual with that maintenance. Don't just use these tools once and forget about them.

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., 1999. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books: New York.

Friendship First

The biggest question that most of us have as we approach a marriage is probably about whether or not that marriage will work out. We will find ourselves divorced in a few years, having to start all over? Then, of course, everybody has that "how to stay married" advice for you. There is even a game for that at bridal showers!

Some people are of the school of thought that communication is the key to success. Others feel that quality time together works best. Others find that keeping things interesting is the only way to keep things strong. While I feel that there is some merit to each of these thoughts, I don't think that any one of them is right on its own. I believe that you need to marry your best friend.

How much easier would your marriage be if you felt as close to your spouse as you do to your best friend? Do you feel that you can talk to your spouse as you do the person that you are the closest to outside of your marriage? When something happens in your life, who do you want to tell? Is it your spouse?

I believe that friendship is the most important aspect of your relationship with your spouse. Romantic feelings may come and go. Unquenchable desire for your spouse will probably fade. Some days your Love may just be boring. Sure, the feelings of attraction, excitement and romance are important but what is going to sustain your relationship when they are missing? Do you have a solid friendship to fall back on?

This view of marriage is supported by one of the leading marriage experts, John Gottman. He writes in his book, "friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse... It takes much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise." Does this mean that friends will never fight? NO! It does mean however that you "...know each other intimately-[you] are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. [You] have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness in the big way but in the little ways day in and day out" (Gottman). Because your relationship is based on a deep knowledge of your spouse. You know and love them as a person, even with the faults that drive you absolutely crazy. True friendship helps fight the common problems in marriage.

Basically, I believe that you should marry your best friend. Not that your spouse should become your best friend after you are married. Base your relationship on getting to know who that person really is. Let them know who you really are. Share in emotional disclosure.  Enjoy your time together and enjoy each other for who each of you are. That kind of love creates a lasting marriage.

Defending Marriage

One of my earliest memories of the gay marriage debate came from the 2008 elections. I was a high school senior in California and our school was having a mock election. A friend of mine was giving a speech in the mock election from the support of Proposition 8 side and asked if I, along with one other person of his choosing, would hold a Prop 8 banner during his speech.

I was not one of the popular kids in school. I tended to hang out with some of the more outcast groups. Many of my friends were not straight, be it gay, lesbian, or bisexual. I honestly had no opinion on gay marriage. These people were my friends and I loved them but being the short-sided teenager that I was, I had not given too much thought to their future. (To be fair, I hadn’t given to much thought to my future either.)

I decided to help my friend out and hold this sign for him even though I did not feel strongly either way about the cause. He was my friend and had asked for my help. I was met, after that assembly, with much hate and disgust from those that, prior to that assembly, had counted me among some of their closest friends. They never asked why I stood with that sign. They assumed the worst of me, imagining my hatred of them and the things that they believed. I won’t ever forget that reaction.

Since then, I have come to find my stand on this debate and given the chance to stand with that banner again, I would. This time however, I would do it with the same love that I had for my friends that day but also with an understanding of why that proposition is important.

I have come to learn that marriage is the foundation of our society. It has been for as long as we have existed. The purpose of marriage has always been to better individuals and society and to produce children in an environment that best meets their developmental needs. It has not, and should not, be merely a contract between two individuals but should be a contract between a couple and society. It has not, and should not be a selfish contract but should be focused on fulfilling the purpose for which it has always existed.  That is what those that support homosexual marriage are really supporting, the marriage contract between two people with a sole focus on pleasure. This is not to say that marriage should not be fulfilling. This is not to say that marriage should not be pleasurable. These are however a means to an end as opposed to an end in and of itself.

Marriage has existed for as long as it has because it has benefited society. It could not have lasted as long if it did not. As such a beneficial aspect of our society, it should be supported. Redefining marriage to include non-heterosexual marriages will undermine this support, not increase it. World-wide, countries that have granted marriage to homosexual relationships have shown a low level of support for marriage. It is the countries that oppose the push to redefine marriage or include marriage-like unions for homosexual relationships that have the greatest support for marriage (Wardel, 2007). We need marriage and cannot let it go without the support it needs to remain strong.

This particular subject is always hard for me to talk about. It seems impossible to convey my love for those, who like my friends in high school, choose to live a different lifestyle than I do and a lifestyle that I do not agree with while discussing my reasons for my stand on marriage that is in direct conflict with theirs. I do not wish you to be unhappy. I do not wish for you to suffer. Yet, I do not believe that what you ask for, the redefinition of marriage, is an appropriate course of action. I do not believe that its effects will benefit society as a whole.

Wardel, L.D. (2007). The attack on marriage and the union of a man and a woman. North Dakota Law Review. 83, 1365-1392.

Why Marriage?

I believe that some the hardest decisions in our life revolve around our intimate relationships with others, especially with regards to marriage. There is so much that goes into a marriage and so much at stake if it were to fail that it often seems safer to just try something else. When we do this, though, we harm our chances for happiness as well as our children's chances for the same. Marriage gives our children the best chance to be happy and successful in life. Marriage also gives us access to some of the greatest happiness that we can have on this earth.

I say that these decisions are hard from first-hand experience. I married young, at 19. I had children young, at 20 and again at 22. My husband died a couple months before I turned 24. Now I face the reality of single parenthood and a life of struggling to finish school and find suitable work while raising my children.

The topic of remarriage is being brought up more and more frequently by those around me. It is not a choice that comes easily. My circumstances are complex for any future husband. The risks are greater if my remarriage fails because of my children. With all that I have to consider, I have found the advice from President Spencer W. Kimball to be particularly helpful: "Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage... means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens;but it also means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all" (Teachings).

These challenges are not the same for each of us. They may not even be the same for each person in the relationship. For me, that means giving up some of the control of my life. (I am definitely type A and Being in charge is natural for me.) It also means finding a relationship that will work out with my children. It will mean sacrificing things that I want so that we can have another person in our family, maybe even more than one person. It means letting go of my past relationship so that I can move forward with my life. It means working things out when I would rather walk away. It means not being able to walk away.

It also means having someone to lean on when I can’t go any farther on my own. It means sharing my joys with someone that respects me and loves me despite my faults. It means sharing the greatest losses in your life with someone who will hold you through all of it and pull you back up at the end. Having had these, as President Kimball called them, “deepest and sweetest emotions of all” in my life before, I know how right they are in our lives. They are supposed to be part of our lives. I know that they are worth the risks associated with the possible failure. That’s why people that have been divorced try again.

One of the thought that has been on my mind the most as I have contemplated remarriage is that as we love the Lord and exercise faith in the Atonement, our lives will work out for our benefit. Marriage isn’t meant to be easy. It’s meant to help us grow. Fear of failure is normal but not helpful. It stops our progress. It keeps us from reaching our goals. I have been working on replacing my fears associated with remarriage with faith in the Lord, for I know that through him I can do all things. With Him, we can make our marriages last. We can help them to survive all of the hardships that come to us.

Let’s overcome our fear of failure and reach for our goals of a happy marriage and family. Don’t let fear of failure keep you from trying. We will fail at everything that we never try. 

               

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball (2006), 194.